Monday, June 28, 2010

The Unbearable Joy of Uninhibited Laughter

Chapter 20 - The Neverending Pursuit of Wisdom, A Propensity for Simplicity & some sort of Mental Vacillation

Today I received an message in my mailbox that read: "Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile..." That was lovely.   I recently enjoyed a big hearty laugh which I never did in a long while and it felt good. The email continued with, "Don't take life too seriously"...which is something I usually vacillate between. There are days when I am manic about life ( I wish I didn't have such an obsessive mental/psychological architecture) and days when I am just too exhausted. I've also rediscovered my love of being in the water which takes my mind off things for awhile. I told her and I told him that I wanted to walk away from the current situation as I felt stuck. I've never had to make a harder choice than this. All I wanted was a fresh perspective so I am doing things that I've never done in awhile and letting go of things that I held on to tightly. And then I began to understand, to see the clarity of circumstances. He said that there are 2 things that I value greatly. The first was human relationships and the second was my pursuit of wisdom. And of course, needless to say, my propensity for simplicity and straight-forwardness. I nodded in agreement because he understood. He read me like a book. He understood if I had that, I would be happy. Tonight I ponder about self-regulation and how one can use strength without being aggressive. (Entirely random thoughts again...can't help it...). By the way, I feel good that I am finally at Chapter 20. These are the chapters and lessons of my life...that hopefully you can identify with.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

There's a sketch of her with wings on my wall above my bed...

2 August 2003 - 4 May 2007


shot taken by my father closer to her death

with my sister, her last moments at the hospital 

she loved the sun

Chapter 19 - The only Limitations we have are those of our Mind, The Singing Dog & Dealing with Loss

My second sister sent me some pics of my old dog this afternoon. As strong as I force myself to always be, tears surged forth once again as the lovely memories with her were refreshed in my mind. It is seldom that I feel this sort of feeling that renders me incapable of doing anything else or thinking of anything else. She left too soon. That is what I think about mostly. I grew up with dogs and by the time it came to her, I knew she was something exceptionally special and most people who came into contact with her felt that. My sister loved her too as Lola would "sing" each time she practised her voice scales in the shower. Lola just stood outside the bathroom "singing"(she sings in cascading barks, not words of course. i am dead serious. I thought my sister was getting delusional till I heard it for myself). So to many, they think it's loony and impossible. To others, they cannot comprehend how someone can share such a deep connection with an animal. And I never thought I ever would. It is through her that I knew that anything was possible. Just because most of us have never seen or heard a dog sing does not mean they cannot sing. Every neighbour knew her as they would open their doors and let her into their houses. She would always turn round on her back to let people tickle her tummy. She loved humans. She loved us with all of her heart. The difference between cats and dogs. Dogs really love you. My sister's words in her email were "Lola was such a special and endearing dog. Feel very blessed our lives crossed with this special dog in this lifetime." And I thought to myself that although it has been almost 2 years since her death, and still each day I deal with her loss, I should be thankful that I had the chance to meet her. I keep thinking to myself that she left too soon, so I learnt through her that sometimes in life we meet good people so please let us not take them for granted, but appreciate their goodness while they are still here. Because you never really know when they will leave. And sometimes they really leave too soon. Each moment is precious. I still remember the phone call I received telling me that she was bitten by a golden retriever (of all dogs!) and that her head was dangling and her eyes were rolling. That moment tore my heart apart. I kept her ashes in a chinese porcelain urn but my mother (being more superstitious) told me to free her spirit in the sea which I did...a spot at East Coast beach by the breakwater which I visit each time I go there...quietly in my heart, I say hello. Today I miss her...her name was Lola...

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sometimes in happiness there is pain

image source, yesterdaydied

Chapter 18 - Contemplating human destiny, Pre-empting pain & Pursuing happiness

I've once read that the main failure of education is that it has not prepared people to comprehend matters concerning human destiny. We are merely prepared for society's immediate needs, neglecting the needs that matter the most to us. I looked at the people who walked past me today and I wondered what made them happy. Was it her beautiful daughter that made her heart smile and who gave her life meaning? Was it the glaring red Ferrari that he was driving in or the fact that he had plenty of friends to laugh and talk with or the quiet moments of peaceful solitude that some seemed satisfying lost in? And then when I looked deeper, something betrayed their apparent happiness. Are we all hiding pain? Are we giving in to that human impulse to abandon our dreams and the ones we love so that we can stanch the pain of loss. Do I sometimes act on impulse in cutting my losses fast? Yes. Do I succumb to pre-empting events to prevent myself from further emotional damage? Yes. Could we be happy if we steeled ourselves and focused on the problem at hand and remind ourselves that someday the world would surprise us with something totally unexpected because in the world we live in, something unexpected always occurs and then we are temporarily or (hopefully) permanently relieved of that pain? Am I happy? I couldn't answer that honestly. Are you?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Chapter 17 - That F Word will keep you warm

I've always been grappling with it. I've searched countless books and had many unfulfilling conversations on this topic. Last night I brought up the topic once more and he said that as you age, you begin to believe in it. Yet few people I know, actually do. Tonight I think about her once more, as mysterious and incomprehensible as life is. I attempt to write about it so that I may understand it more. But each time I feel as lost as the last if I think about it. Maybe the greatest things in life cannot be understood but can only be felt with the heart. Maybe I need to remind myself that uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security. And he said in between smiles, good people attract good things and you have to choose those whom you allow into your psyche. And he continued, "Life begins at 40". May fate and destiny keep you warm..."May the wind always be on your back and the sun upon your face and may the winds of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars". (Quote by Johnny Depp)

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Chapter 16 - Of Love, Marriage & Lifelong Battles

I remember coming across a quote that said we should all remember to smile and be nice as everyone we meet is fighting a different battle. I like that. Lately, I have been hearing a little too much about marriages disintegrating and my mother saying that divorce has become "trendy". It is "abit" disquieting. The irony is that everyone around me seems to be attending a wedding every other week or so. What is marriage? I don't know. Sometimes it seems like a lifelong battle over money, children and a host of other irrelevant things. The pleasure of love lasts but a moment, the pain of love lasts a lifetime. For those who are still undecided, consider this. William Penn said,"In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind before the body; then thou hast a wife (husband), a friend, a companion, a second self."

(image source: yesterdaydied)

Peculiar Poll: Wearable Peculiar or Too Peculiar?

the tiger dress in my favourite colours 

One of my mother's business partners came down for lunch and happened to talk about about his friend, Uncle Jim, who is a Fashion Designer and is currently in the fashion wholesale business. He took me down right after lunch to check out the clothes at Harbour City, TST. There were many beautiful and reasonably-priced dresses and tops but only this was peculiar enough to catch my eye - A monotoned tiger head outlined with red stitches and slightly-poofy red sleeves (which sort of remind me of pretty red roses) in  100% polyester. I do have a thing for tigers to begin with...reminds me of the beautiful albino tigers I once saw... pretty quirky dress isn't it? Too Peculiar to wear out? Or YES-THIS-IS-UNIQUE!!!-AND-I-WILL-WEAR-IT-OUT Peculiar?