I chanced upon this on someone's blog...
I'm laying here in this strange place and my body aches and my mind feels numb simultaneously. The television is playing in the background and it is noise but I can't make sense of the words. I suppose it's just the same. Those words don't matter; they're just fodder, entertainment manufactured to be a distraction. I want to read, it's one of my great comforts but it makes me feel too much and I can't bring myself to inflict any sort of feeling. I can't handle them. Everything hurts me. Mundane everyday silly things dominate my mind and crush my spirit. I'm not meant for this world and daily wonder how much longer I'll be able to exist here. I've been trying to overcome this part of me. I've felt this way since I was sixteen. There have been fleeting moments of light, of happiness, and I've tried to wrap my arms around them. I've tried to hold onto whatever it is inside of me that sees things in this way and feels wonderful, but it always just slips out of my arms. There is this darkness in me that overcomes every moment of happiness so they just feel fake. I know they are fleeting and I am so scared of their departure that I don't enjoy them anymore. They just cause me to be anxious and sad. How is it that happiness makes me sad? Sometimes I can't help myself to wish that I would have just died in that crash. This all would have been over. The hurt couldn't grab me out of my life anymore, leaving me comfortless. It is hard to talk about this with people, so I don't. I don't believe it to be melodrama because I know the physical pain from overwhelming sadness and it gives me hope that people believe it to be melodrama because it means that the whole world doesn't feel as I do and that gives me a glimmer of hope for the future of humanity. I don't know how to live.
happiness making people sad..it's the confinement that's manifesting false happiness...true happiness coincides with freedom..when you liberate yourself..happiness will follow...but sadly life is as such...there's no true freedom..therefore no true happiness
ReplyDeleteMelancholy and sadness are the start of doubt... doubt is the beginning of despair; despair is the cruel beginning of the differing degrees of wickedness - Isidore Ducasse Lautreamont
ReplyDeleteYou've got to fight to survive, some people fail, some people succeed, their choices govern this. Will they choose to see the light, or fall into darkness. It's their call, and theirs alone to make.
CHOICES CHOICES CHOICES!!!! AHHHHHHH. SO IT BOILS DOWN TO YOUR ABILITY TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICES...BUT WHAT IS RIGHT AND WHAT IS WRONG? ;)
ReplyDeletei like that we can contemplate life here together...
ReplyDeletelife's one big learning curve, even if you make the wrong choice to start with, you'll always have another moment to make it right :P haha the point is to keep moving forward.. never give up, and stay +ve! :)
ReplyDeletelovely. :D
ReplyDeleteyou're doing real well dear, live it up! :D
ReplyDeleteI feel exactly the same way. But I believe there is a spectrum to how this writer/blogger feels, perhaps it's an extreme. but I really do feel the exact same way... and it sort of feels comforting to know someone feels this way too.
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Chloe
yes I do think there are many people who feel likewise, but like you said, to a different extent. Perhaps we are all grasping with reality, some refuse to accept the reality they are faced with, some fight it in the hope of something better and some choose to remain delusional...today i ponder about how we face reality..do we accept or change it? how much of it are we able to change?
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